remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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