Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
