After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
