Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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