So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
