So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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