he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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