pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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