Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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