My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
50% drunk capacity currently
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
