you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
