my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
