I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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