I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
