found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
