Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
