he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
