my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
