On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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