just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
