i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
