Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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