More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
