tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
