yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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