My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
