I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
