I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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