I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
