so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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