Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
