Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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