Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
