This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
