i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
