im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
