I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
