You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
