I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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