mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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