Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
