my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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