I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
