my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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