My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
