so let's talk penis.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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