i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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