I'm so fucking centered right now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
