We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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