Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
