if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
