Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need to calm my uterus...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
