yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
