gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
