the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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