I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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