then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
