Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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